Tuesday, August 12, 2008

What Constitutes Poor?

What constitutes poor? Is it from a more materialistic point of view or from a more personal view? What does it mean to most people? Some would say being poor means not having things such as a roof over their head, no food, no clothes, all the things that most people take for granted on a daily basis. What about those who have had things in a materialistic way? Then in a blink of an eye it's gone. Does that mean one is poor when that occurs? I think that I am beginning to understand at times what a personal struggle it can be trying to get through each day while trying to remain who I am or while trying to better myself in the process. I think that I took for granted or didn't understand that I am a good person, that I am special and spent way to much time listening to the negative things that had been directed in my generalized direction.

I never thought that things could be as tough as they are now. I have been through enough struggle for anyone to have in their lifetime but the thing is, I never realized that it could be any worse than it is now. I think I grew so complacent and deaf that I just didn't think that it would ever come to this point. I truly believe that people can become as complacent and then when something such as a death, the economy, war or all of the afore mentioned events, they stand back and ask, "what the hell just happened?"

When life's happenings occur is it meant to happen in order to make us a better person? A stronger more centered person? I suppose this defines most people in that it either will break them down completely or they take a stand to fight harder to make it through the tough times. I just cannot understand why people would just lay down and die instead of trying to fight to live.

I think they are the ones that are poor though. Material things mean nothing if there is nothing in a life to make one happy or to guide them to be a better person, to be more than they are. I think a person could have all the things they ever wanted in life as far as material things and still find their lives incomplete and sad. It seems to me that instead of wanting to lay down and die, maybe they would want to find a way to move forward in order to make their lives more fulfilling.

So what would most find fulfilling? I know that as a mother I have found it quite fulfilling as well as mind-boggling. The joy of a new life, which grows in time to become an adult. It's strange how they take on a mind of their own and let you know when they aren't happy with something you might be doing even if it's not affecting them. I think that most people spend nearly their entire lives learning all the nuances of every day life, struggles, raising a family and growing old. What will old age hold for me? Will I be healthy or will be I be dependent on my children or will they abandon me and stick me in some nursing home to die a lonely death?

What legacy will I leave behind? Will I be known as the person who loved to learn new things, or the person who had a give of plants or loved to photograph nature; A person who loved horses and dogs and cats. A person who loved children most of all and the joys that came with being around them. Or will I known as the person who never amounted to anything because her father said that was all she'd be or the wife to a man who was weak minded and decided to take the easy way out and end his life? What will my children think about me when I am gone? Will they feel that I had loved them with all my being or will they feel I shortchanged them in some way?

I am hoping as I go through these personal struggles that it will make me a better person instead. I hope that my goals will finally be fulfilled or known to me so that I feel as if I have accomplished more than what or who I am. I know that I want to be a better person but at same time I want to remain who I am.

On a more materialistic view, it is not much fun to wonder where the next tank of gas is coming from. How one is going to get to work, how they will get to school. Without funds, these things cannot be purchased. Can't have one without the other. I am seeing more and more people here in this area riding bikes or riding motorcycles and even walking due to the deteriorating economy. I hope and pray that our next president will get this country back on it's feet because our country is really in bad shape as far as I am concerned. This is America, the land of the free, the land of milk and honey, the land of opportunity! Right now I don't think it's any of those.

More to come as my thoughts become more fluent. I have had a lot of things going on in my mind lately and I feel like I need to get them out.

Thursday, February 14, 2008


Wow! Yesterday it took me nearly an entire day to get my 2006 taxes as well as Thom's and Kriston's 2006-2005 taxes done. I'm glad it's all over with now. Now it's just a matter of me getting them into the mailbox today.

I'm unusually tired today. I think it's because of my sleeping habits as usual. It doesn't matter how early I go to bed, I still can't seem to sleep past four/five hours which leaves me damn tired for the rest of the day. I hate this more than anything else. I've never been one to be a morning person however, with my schedule being like it is, i'm getting up at 5:30am two days a week. Then depending on which saturday it is, it'll be way early or a bit into mid morning. Either way I'm still having issues with this schedule.

My future still weighs on me like a ton of blocks that are attached to a chain which in turn is attached to a noose around my neck. It's as if it's waiting for an excuse to just fall off into the water and take me with it. I am really hoping that all this will work itself out.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008


I've had a lot of things on my plate over the past 1.5 years. During the 20 almost 21 years of marriage and being a stay at home mom it didn't occur to me to really think about my future. Yes I knew at some point I'd have to get a job and such, that's not really what I am referring to.

I'm talking more about my future as in where do I want it to go, what will I do when I reach that age most american women and men reach where they have to retire but don't want to and end up having to work in a grocery store because their retirement isn't enough to live month to month from.

Another thing is, where do I go being I am a single woman at age 45. What could I offer a potential suitor at the age or above? I don't look like I did when I got married at age 24. Even then I didn't think I was all that sexy. I think that is just because of the way I grew up though. My dad drilled so much negativity in my head while I was growing up, one couldn't help but think that same mindset when hearing it all the time.

It's wierd really, even now I sometimes feel like I'm worthless. I know that is a bunch of bullshit though, I'm worth something even if it's just me being me. So what does a woman my age do who has already raised a family, can't have anymore children and doesn't look like the sweet young honey that she did before she started having children along with genetics and medicine destroying the ability to be thin.

I look at my youngest daughter and realize "hey I used to look like her, so thin, thin, could wear just about anything looking like that," and wish I could look that way again, but it is too late now to fix that issue. I don't know that it could have been fixed if I was ten years younger for that matter. I hate being so fixated on this issue because I really want to meet a nice man and have dinner and movies and laugh and just have fun enjoying each other's company. I'm not looking for somebody to settle down with. Not just "OH HELL NO, but DOUBLE HELL NO." I just feel like I deserve a little fun and maybe a little piece of happiness or heaven as some define it.

What I do know is, which is looming over my head like an ominous black cloud getting ready to release all hell is the fact that I've got to have a job or jobs that can support me. I am trying not to think about the kids and what their plans are except for making sure the youngest goes straight into college just as soon as she graduates. I wish I could figure out how the hell to get Thom motivated into that same mindset. Girls are so freaking easy when it comes to motivation. Seems like guys/boys are just fucking brain dead at this young age.

So the goal at this point is going to be get another job to go with the one I have so that I can make ends meet. Also while looking for a job, look for a place different to live that might be cheaper in one way or the other as well as hopefully finding one somewhere way out side the city limits and maybe in the country as well. I know this is going to be to easy but such is life.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Just For Today


JUST FOR TODAY, I will live through this day only. I will not brood about yesterday or obsess about tomorrow. I will not set far-reaching goals or try to overcome all of my problems at once.

JUST FOR TODAY, I will be happy. I will not dwell on thoughts or memories that are depressing or upsetting.

JUST FOR TODAY, I will accept what is. I will face reality. I will correct those things that I can correct and accept those I cannot.

JUST FOR TODAY, I will improve my mind. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.

JUST FOR TODAY, I will make a conscious effort to be agreeable. I will be kind and courteous to those who cross my path.

JUST FOR TODAY, I'll refrain from improving or worrying about anybody but myself. I cannot control others behaviors, actions or thoughts and will not obsess about not being able to do so.

JUST FOR TODAY, I will do something positive to improve my health. Either not smoke, eat something healthy, take a walk. One thing per day.

JUST FOR TODAY, I will gather the courage to do what is right and take responsibility for my own actions.