Thursday, August 9, 2012

Past and Present

Sometimes when I sit and look at past and present photographs it makes me realize just how short most of our lives really are and how fast time flies.  It seems like the older I get the more time speeds by and makes me sit back and gasp and wonder where it flew to. 
                                                          Thom, Kris, Lyn and I
When I was younger, just becoming an adult I had so many dreams.  Some of them were as realistic as the next persons was.  I wanted to have a family, a loving husband, a couple of children and I really wanted to go somewhere with the gift I feel I have had since birth.  The ability to grown any ornamental plant that I put my hands on. But some how things didn't turn out quite the way I had envisioned it. Bad things got in the way caused by those that were supposed to love and cherish all of my life and I think it left me broken for a very long time.  Stuck in the vicious circle and still not finding a way to get myself out.  It took me a long time to realize that I had been broken and that I had to literally drag myself out of that hole and find a way to recover and become a better person even though I don't see that there was anything really wrong with me to begin with. Being told you are worthless and will amount to nothing tends to make one turn out that way I think.

So going to higher education ended up being put on the back burner for awhile.  Then I met a man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with and he'd love me and love his beautiful children.  That's not how it turned out though.  But out of all this I ended up with three of the most beautiful children any mom could ever want.  I don't mean beautiful on the outside.  I'm talking about from the inside.  They have suffered as much as I have during the time when things got rough before their father ended his life so abruptly and rudely.  How anyone could do that to his own children is beyond me.  It didn't matter to me that he did it to me, it mattered more that he had done this to our kids, causing them mental injury, scaring them for the rest of their lives.  
                                                                      Lyn and Thom

They to had to work towards getting past that major injury.  I believe the girls has done well but I'm not so sure about my son.  He still struggles and he still has no focus on where he wants his life to go and I know he's an adult and I have to sit back and wait for him to figure it out himself and all I can do is to help support what he finally chooses to do with is life. 

I was one of those that decided to be a stay at home mom and raise them to the best of my ability.  It just didn't make sense at the time to work and give daycare all of the money I earned so that they could raise them.  I think if it hadn't been for me making this sacrifice, my children might not have turned out to be as good and beautiful as they are.  During that time I did go to college and get two different degrees but still I have done nothing with either of them.  Why?  I just don't know.  When I was thrust back into the real world, I realized that during the current state of affairs with our country, finding a good job at my age doing what I love or didn't love just wasn't going to happen.  I didn't have any job background.  I had plenty of education to start me off but just not enough to be competitive with other people who were half my age and had just as many educational credentials.  So there it is, another gone chance to do something with my life. 
                                                              Kris and Lyn

I am not sitting here writing about all of the "what if's" that could have occurred in my life. I don't really believe in "what if's."  It is what it is.  That is not it at all. I think it's more about reflecting on my life as a whole and wondering what legacy I will leave behind for my children and grand children to come.  What will I be known for?  What thoughts and feelings will they have about me as a mom and a major influence in their life?  Have I made enough of a difference in their lives so that they can lead a productive loving lives till they are at my age and probably do what I'm doing now, reflecting?
                                                               Kris and Lyn 

Of course my life has taken a more different turn over the past couple or so years that turned out to be quite unexpected to say the least. I will write more about this later.  I have often questioned the thoughts about whether I have made a difference about anything in this life, have I been enough of a good role model for my children so that they led good clean lives and cared about their own families as well as the people around them.  I hope they will not spend much time spinning in circles about past things.  I'm hoping so much for my son to get out of that circle too and get on with the job of living too.  
                                                                 Kris and Lyn
So now I sit here looking at present photo's of my children.  I have realized they are no longer babies in my eyes like I used to feel.  They are grown ups.  One of them is a mom now.  She now has the same sacred job to raise her daughter to be the best she can be and to push her to aspire to be more than she is.  I am so proud of Kriston and the path she has taken and the beautiful grand daughter she has given me makes life so much more precious.  I just cannot wait to finally have my little Abby in my arms to love and spoil and then give her back to her momma and remind Kris that one day Abby will give her grief just like she has given me a few times. LOL They both have so much to look forward to.  Kris gets to watch as her daughter grow and progress forward, turn into the most beautiful daughter any mom and grandmother could want.  
                                                                     Kris and Abby

Then I think about my oldest.  Lyn has grown into a fine young woman.  She has been fighting the good fight to get through college and still working hard to make something with her life relating to college.  She has been accepted into the surgical tech program and I am so excited for her.  She is starting a new phase in her life and school will be difficult but as long as she perseveres she will do well with it.  I am so proud of how she continues to aspire to be more than she is.  She's probably had it the hardest of all three in relationship to being the oldest.  I can relate because I was the oldest too.  Funny how that goes from one generation to the next.  I know she's had to work harder than most people her age to get where she is now.  She has retained that beautiful demeanor though  and I'm glad about that. 
                                                               Lyn and Eric

So the question still remains, what legacy will I leave for my children? Who knows and will it even matter?  I will have to give this some more thought later.  
                                                        Lyn and Luna  

More blog writings will follow about this and that and whatever....... 
                                                                  Lyn and Luna
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