Looming

I've had a lot of things on my plate over the past 1.5 years. During the 20 almost 21 years of marriage and being a stay at home mom it didn't occur to me to really think about my future. Yes I knew at some point I'd have to get a job and such, that's not really what I am referring to.

I'm talking more about my future as in where do I want it to go, what will I do when I reach that age most american women and men reach where they have to retire but don't want to and end up having to work in a grocery store because their retirement isn't enough to live month to month from.

Another thing is, where do I go being I am a single woman at age 45. What could I offer a potential suitor at the age or above? I don't look like I did when I got married at age 24. Even then I didn't think I was all that sexy. I think that is just because of the way I grew up though. My dad drilled so much negativity in my head while I was growing up, one couldn't help but think that same mindset when hearing it all the time.

It's wierd really, even now I sometimes feel like I'm worthless. I know that is a bunch of bullshit though, I'm worth something even if it's just me being me. So what does a woman my age do who has already raised a family, can't have anymore children and doesn't look like the sweet young honey that she did before she started having children along with genetics and medicine destroying the ability to be thin.

I look at my youngest daughter and realize "hey I used to look like her, so thin, thin, could wear just about anything looking like that," and wish I could look that way again, but it is too late now to fix that issue. I don't know that it could have been fixed if I was ten years younger for that matter. I hate being so fixated on this issue because I really want to meet a nice man and have dinner and movies and laugh and just have fun enjoying each other's company. I'm not looking for somebody to settle down with. Not just "OH HELL NO, but DOUBLE HELL NO." I just feel like I deserve a little fun and maybe a little piece of happiness or heaven as some define it.

What I do know is, which is looming over my head like an ominous black cloud getting ready to release all hell is the fact that I've got to have a job or jobs that can support me. I am trying not to think about the kids and what their plans are except for making sure the youngest goes straight into college just as soon as she graduates. I wish I could figure out how the hell to get Thom motivated into that same mindset. Girls are so freaking easy when it comes to motivation. Seems like guys/boys are just fucking brain dead at this young age.

So the goal at this point is going to be get another job to go with the one I have so that I can make ends meet. Also while looking for a job, look for a place different to live that might be cheaper in one way or the other as well as hopefully finding one somewhere way out side the city limits and maybe in the country as well. I know this is going to be to easy but such is life.